Review – How To Win Friends & Influence People

How To Win Friends And Influence People

by Dale Carnegie, published 1936, 1981

A master’s education in properly respectful and efficacious communication

Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic in interpersonal communication sets the standard in techniques for dealing positively and constructively with others. The book is easy to summarize (the edition I own actually has an end-chapter summary and end-of-section summary-summary of all the major points addressed), so I’ve done that below for quick reference. But Carnegie is an excellent story teller and weaver of parables. This is a book that’s easy to pick up, hard to put down and well-suited to driving the points home in a concrete way that reading the outline by itself just can’t do. Every human being should own and know the principles of this book.

Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

  1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
  2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
  2. Smile.
  3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
  6. Make the other person feel important– and do it sincerely.

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

  1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
  2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
  3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
  4. Begin in a friendly way.
  5. Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” immediately.
  6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
  7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
  8. Try honestly to see from the other person’s point of view.
  9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
  10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
  11. Dramatize your ideas.
  12. Throw down a challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense Arousing Resentment

  1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
  2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
  3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
  4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
  5. Let the other person save face.
  6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
  7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
  8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
  9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Found On The Web: Regrets Of The Dying

Philosophy has formal and informal definitions. Some thinkers, such as Ayn Rand, would put philosophy atop all human knowledge, saying that philosophy is antecedent to all other specialities of human inquiry and that disciplines such as physics, economics, chemistry, engineering, etc., are the children of philosophy and dependent upon its insights. Others might argue that philosophy is, formally speaking, hierarchically identical to these other disciplines.

Still others might make the claim that philosophy is, quite literally, just a love of knowledge.

I can see the merit in all of those approaches to defining and using the term “philosophy.” In a formal sense, I think I’d agree with Rand and say that philosophy is, at root, the dedicated, organized and disciplined search for the truth of reality and so in that sense it not only subsumes all other sub-disciplines of inquiry but it is those disciplines and they are it.

Informally, I see the connection between philosophy and the living of life (what some might refer to specifically as ethics) as that of living a life that is most consistent with and deferential to that truth of reality that we are able to unveil. In an individual sense, philosophy is about not only living the good life but living a good life– focusing one’s effort on consistently doing the right thing in any given situation.

We are social creatures by nature, it has been said, and while this empirically seems to be true many people seem to ignore the most important social relationship any of us will ever have, that being our relationship with ourselves.

My personal research and study on the topic of self-esteem (relationship with self) has led me to the conclusion that this is an under-appreciated and misunderstood aspect of philosophy that is routinely ignored by most of the population of the planet in one manner or another. Few people seem to understand the critical need for self-esteem, the necessity of nurturing healthy self-esteem through concerted and disciplined practice much as we practice good physical health through nutrition and exercise based upon best principles, and fewer still have managed to master this process and conquer their own self-esteem issues. Most are unaware they have self-esteem issues, or are aware that something is amiss but are either too fearful or too overwhelmed by the task to attempt to make inroads.

Similarly, many have no idea as to how self-esteem ties to issues individuals have with other individuals and the damaging, magnified ripple effects an injured self-esteem untended to can have on society as a whole.

With this as an introduction, I wanted to share five “Regrets of the Dying” I found linked to at another investor’s blog (of all places). I found the five regrets to be confirming anecdotes in terms of specific aspects of self-esteem/philosophy I have keyed in on over the last few years as being critical to living life well. All credit goes to the original author:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Notes – How To Master A New Skill

A note to self that I found elsewhere:

Anytime you are acquiring a new skill, remember the best path for doing something new or different looks like this:

  1. Find someone who is good at it.
  2. Watch that person do it.
  3. Get that person to talk about how they do it.
  4. Practice doing it yourself with his or her guidance.
  5. Ask the person to give you feedback.
  6. Practice doing it on your own.
  7. Seek feedback until you’ve mastered it.

6 Pieces Of Immortal Financial Wisdom

I was digging around in my old notes on my GDrive just now and came across these 6 juicy peaches from an old friend at CreditBubbleStocks.com. I’m deleting the note as I am reorganizing my GDrive, but I still wanted to hold on to stuff like this.

All observations are, in their own way, profound. Here they are:

  1. There’s two ways to learn things– the easy way, and the hard way. And surprisingly, most people pick the hard way.
  2. Stocks are for selling, bonds are for buying.
  3. As I always say, “You can’t fix stupid.”
  4. Real men don’t hedge; they know.
  5. I only “Texas Hedge”.
  6. What a world we live in.